a note to my son, at four and a half

Dear Ben, 

I'm sorry.

1. I’m sorry that I am sometimes inconsistent with the sticker charts. 
2. I’m sorry I don’t always tell you how great you are.
3. I haven’t been writing things down in that journal and I'm sorry I haven't kept that book the pediatrician gave us up to date. I'm sorry I don't always add things to my to-do list and that means I sometimes forget stuff. I’m sorry I don’t write poems for you like I used to.
4. I’m sorry I yelled at dad.
5. I’m sorry I yelled at you.
6. I’m sorry that for almost two years I’ve been unable to give you all of my attention. I know that someday you and your little brother will be great friends, but I'm sorry it kind of sucks right now. 
7. I’m sorry that, when we are riding bikes, that man across the street sometimes says “Nice to see you” in a way that makes it seem like I keep you locked up in the house all the time. It’s weird for me too, to be here when you are not and it’s hard for the neighbors, I think, to understand that I work here, and that I’m not just lounging around all day.
8. I’m sorry I don’t go to an office where I can take you to visit. We can visit dad at his office soon.
9. I’m sorry that not going to an office sometimes makes me grumpy about being in the house a lot. I’m sorry that I move your toys when you aren’t here and that it makes it seem like I’ve been playing with them.
10. I’m sorry that this winter sucked so bad and we’ve been in the house a lot.  I’m sorry that this means your little brother knocks down your block castle and tries to grab your toys. And I’m sorry that sometimes I get frustrated and ask you to just give him the toy.
11. I’m sorry I forget about the kindness jar and don’t always see when you do really nice things for your brother.
12. I’m sorry it’s so hard to play with your little Legos. 
13. I’m sorry that sometimes I don’t come back to check on you like I said I would at bedtime. I’m sorry that sometimes I have to work, and can only count to 50 after we read books, instead of counting to 100. I’m sorry that I fell asleep the other night when we were counting to 100.
14. I’m sorry that sometimes I am not here at bedtime and that I don't always take you to poetry readings. I’m sorry I will sometimes leave overnight. Hopefully someday, you’ll have something you love as much as you love your family. 
15. I’m sorry in advance that I sometimes write about you or your brother, or sometimes, the sister you never met. I'll try to explain. 
16. I’m sorry that sometimes you will not have everything you want. Your dad says it's good to want. I just want to be a good mother.  
17. I’m a little sorry you can’t play with guns like some of your friends. I'm sorry I can't really explain why. 
18. I’m sorry I haven't tried to use the word dead in a sentence until recently.
19. I’m sorry I sometimes get frustrated when you are pulling at my clothes and when you screech. I know you might not be meaning to screech and just need my attention, but I am super sensitive to loud noises and sometimes I don’t want you to touch my body. 
20. I’m sorry I get so nervous in the bathroom, but you aren't wearing a helmet and I’m afraid you will fall and hit your head on the sink or the toilet. I’m sorry I will probably fight with your dad about whether or not you can play football. That is, if you even want to play football. I hope you like soccer. 
21. I am sorry we are on the waiting list for soccer. 
22. I'm sorry I sometimes sneak outside to smoke a cigarette once you are in bed. I will stop, again, soon. 
23. I know I'm not supposed to let you see me cry and I did. 
24. I'm sorry that sometimes, people will make you feel like it's not ok to cry. 
25. I'm sorry in advance, for not being able to help with your math homework. 

I love you so much. 

Mama

P.S. I came to check on you tonight but you were already asleep!