1. I was staring at my almost 5 year old’s eyelashes the other day. He has so many and for a moment I saw myself there in that spot where they curl, folded into his body like he was once folded into mine. For a moment, I felt like he could hold me there.
2. I’ve been walking as often as I can, mostly around a little lake. At the end of my walk, I look into the sky. I know now that the clouds are always moving but once in a while, it seems like everything is still.
3. I’ve been trying to focus on one moment of gratitude each day, something little – and I’ve been trying to document them on facebook and twitter, which are sort of weird places, but I don’t have to tell you that. I just sometimes feel over sensitive on the internet. Or I feel mean. Or I over analyze things I’ve typed, “conversations” I’ve had.
4. I feel like lots of moms can work at home and be mom full-time and I wish I could. Or maybe I don’t. It’s strange being here when they aren’t, and sometimes I feel alone with my thoughts of wishing they were here. I do also leave the house for work too, and in that instance I probably wouldn’t be able to leave them home or take them with me. So I just do what I need to do, I guess.
5. I talked to a writer yesterday who is a man who is a parent who has a son and who was a son and also who has a daughter. We talked about moms, guns, and super heroes. Not all in that order.
Also, there is a mom I know who feels differently than me about lots of things and all of these conversations make me think a lot even though I am trying not to think so much. Yesterday that mom and I were talking, not about guns but about work. She basically said, own it. So I guess that is what I need to do.
6. I had a gratitude journal once, full on, wrote every day about five things I was grateful for. I did it as homework for this mind/body class thing I went to for 12 weeks. It was a program of sorts for people with all kinds of issues. There was all kind of homework but it brought me to a better place in my life. I am not in a bad place now but maybe a different place.
7. I’m trying not to over analyze everything.
7 a. I am so grateful for my feet.
8. A couple of weeks ago I went to the bank in the grocery store at sunset because I needed for my deposit to be posted that day. There was a man at the bank. I saw the corner of his eyes as I passed him – him walking to the counter, me walking to the line. After his conversation at the counter, which was longer than most bank counter conversations are, he sat at the manager’s desk, which is connected to the counter, but lower.
I didn’t see what it was but the man in line behind me had a piece of money in his hand. A fifty, maybe? Or higher? I have no idea. I only even heard it when the man seated at the desk asked what year it was. (I think something in the 80s). If it were (something else) the man at the desk would have wanted to buy it from the man in line. He said he could turn that money into more money, that people would buy it for a few thousand bucks if it were that other year. After I finished my deposit, I went into the store part of the store for two things. I bought three.
As I checked out, the man was still seated at the manager’s desk, the lights of the bank had dimmed. He had a sense of notleavingthecounteruntilhehadwhatheneeded in his eyes, one I know well, though from many years ago and not at the bank counter. I felt sad for him. I still do.
9. There is someone else I know much differently than I know that man in the line and she is not at a counter. For her, my sadness is also worry and anger and worry and so many things. I think about those things late at night, after the sun has set and the lights are off.
10 a. I ran away to my parents' house for 12 hours recently.